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Why is it so difficult to coparent in a high conflict case?

Coparenting requires a unified mindset between both parents. Both parents believe that they are important and valuable in their children's life. Both parents will work together to support the children's relationships with the parents.  Conflictual coparents do not both believe that the other parent has the best interests of the children and one or both of these parents do not believe that the other parent is important or valuable in the children's lives.

This creates a huge difference between the mindset of cooperative coparents and conflictual coparents. 

When conflictual parents are ordered to learn to coparent, it is asking an impossible request.  Due to the mindset differences and the fact that every time these parents interact with each other they will have an anxiety reaction that will take them 3 days to calm down.

Parallel parenting or dual parenting is more effective for parents. Reducing the conflict means that parents will parenting in their own way without having to have continual approval or contact with the other parent to agree on how both parents will parent the children. Parents need the assistance of the courts to help them create a child sharing plan they can both follow, but often one of the parents will not follow the court order, but create their own rules about how the court order is not important.

It takes a shift in the mindset of one of the parents to let go of the fight. It takes a shift in the mindset of one of the parents to redirect their energy away from the Ex and toward connecting more closely with the children.   

If parents cannot cooperatively coparent, they need to learn new skills and strategies to control the contact and the communication between them. Everytime they see their EX or hear their voice, they will spin for at least three days. This means that while the parent is spinning, there is no emotional availability for the children. The children are having to care for themselves. If parents are in constant chaos, they are not being "with" their children. The children are raising themselves. Parents need to learn the skills to connect more closely with their children, while disengaging from their EX. This is the focus of this website and the resources, including parenting classes for conflictual coparents.

Category: High Conflict Custody Cases

How do you define Conflictual Coparenting?

When parents are told by the court professionals that they need to learn to coparent, the question is always, what does "coparenting" mean?  To cooperatively coparent is a mindset, a philosophical belief, that underpins the belief by both parents that the other parent is important in the children's life and both parents will do whatever they can to support the other parent's relationships with the children. Unfortunately, this is not always the case for parents involved in continuous conflict. There is a different mindset for these people. Below is my definition that covers the difference in belief of one or both of the parents toward the other parent.

Conflictual Coparenting can be defined

• One or both of the parents believe that the other parent, does not have the best interests of their children at heart, as their primary focus;
• One or both of the parents believe that the other parent has character flaws, parental deficiencies, personality disorders, substance abuse issues or is determintal to the healthy and well being of the children;
• One or both of the parents do not believe that the other parent is valuable or important in the children's lives and one parent will do whatever they can to not encourage the children to be with that other parent;
• One or both of the parents may admit or request the assistance of the courts to intervene and help them create child sharing orders, because they cannot reach agreements on their own, however, one or both of the parents may continue to  sabotage the orders, by either not following the orders or by badmouthing the professionals who created the orders;
• One or both of the parents will continue to undermine the other parent's relationship with the children by thwarting their visits or attempting to alienate the children from that parent or driving the children or the other parent away from each other.

Category: High Conflict Custody Cases

How can you identify a high conflict personality?

High Conflict personalities are often parents who:

Blame others and cannot take responsibility for any issues that they have caused.

Have very little or no insight about their own behavior and how much pain they cause others.

High Conflict persons are often afraid of being abandoned, told they are inferior, ignored or controlled.

High Conflict people often keep the conflict going to stay engaged with the other parent so they do not have to be all alone or take on the world by themselves.

High Conflict people often do well in the court system, but drive others including their children away.

The parent who is trying to be good for the children will benefit the most from the high conflict intervention classes, because they will take the information and apply it to make a difference in their lives.

It only takes one parent to end the conflict, and only one parent to save the children from the damages cause by the conflict.

Coparenting is impossible for high conflict couples, parallel parenting is a more effective way to parent. It ends communcation and conflict.

Controlling the contact and the communication with the EX controls the conflict.

Every interaction with the EX takes approximately 3 days afterwards to calm down. When you are distracted by the Ex, and upset, you are not emotionally available to protect or connect with your children.

Category: High Conflict Custody Cases

How do you define Cooperative Coparenting?

Coparenting as the courts believe it should be done would really be considered as "Cooperative Coparenting." Cooperative coparenting is a mindset, a philosophical take on the way parents interact and support each other with their relationship with the children. If you can coparent, then you fall into the category of "cooperative coparenting" but if you cannot coparent, then you are probably a conflictual coparent. There is a different mindset and description for these parents. Read the cooperative coparenting definition below and decide if you fit into this category. If you do not, then go to the conflictual coparenting definition in the next section and decide if you fall into this category.  If you do, you will need new skills, and a new approach to coparenting, because the cooperative coparenting model will not work for you.

Cooperative Coparenting can be defined as

• Both of the parents believe that the other parent has the best interests of the children at heart, as their primary focus.
• Both of the parents believe that the other parent is valuable and important in the children's lives.
• Both of the parents although they may have disagreements about child sharing issues, they are willing and able to set aside their disagreements to work together to support the child sharing agreements they have made with each other.
• Both parents will do whatever it takes, to support the children's relationship with the other parent.
  

Do you and the other parent fit this definition and model?  If yes, then you need some assistance to resolve child sharing issues, and over time you will be able to move on with your situation and parent the children in a supportive way in two separate households.  If you do not fit this description. Go to the Defining Conflictual Coparenting section and read this model. If you fit this model, you need to take advantage of the resources, classes and articles available on this website to get your conflict calmed down and to learn how to disengage from your EX while protecting your children.

Category: High Conflict Custody Cases

How do you define a High Conflict Case?

High Conflict Cases can be defined as high conflict occurs when one or both of the parents involved in the conflict cannot or will not let go of their marital battle or marital relationship.

Frequent intervention by the court is necessary because the family's adjustment to the breakup is constantly being disrupted.This conflict allows the parents to maintain a marital relationship with each other. The conflict creates an adrenalin "rush." This "rush" keeps the parents highly energized and addicted to each other.

Category: High Conflict Custody Cases

How do you end the conflict in a high conflict case?

To end the conflict, parents have to learn and implement two concepts.

1. The first concept is to disconnect from the EX.
2. The second concept is to connect more closely to the children.

Category: High Conflict Custody Cases

What are the most common child sharing fears for parents?

The two most common child sharing fears for parents are:

1. The fear that they will lose the love of their children, because of what the EX does to them and the children.
2. The fear that the children will be messed up because of the breakup and the conflict.

I address these issues throughout my parenting classes and teach  parents to end their fears by helping them insulate their children from the conflict and create a bond with that children that keeps them close them them.

Category: High Conflict Custody Cases